Why is Public Speaking So Scary?
Around 75% of the global population fears public speaking. We suffer through sleepless nights, shaky voices, and harsh self-criticism. After working with many clients who experience this (and feeling it myself) I’m particularly interested in one question - why is public speaking so scary? Here are my theories, from existential to granular.
EXISTENTIAL - The Deep Evolutionary Roots of Public Speaking Fear
Why is Public Speaking so scary? Because we’re all going to die.
Ok, I admit this is a little dramatic. But here are my thoughts.
We know that human survival has been based on our ability to work together as part of a “tribe.” One tiger and one person? Scary. One tiger and fifty people? Also scary, but we’ll work together to outsmart him. From psychology today: “the imperative to seek protection from our tribe exists deep in our biologically-driven behavoiral roots, way below and before consciousness.” Being kicked out of the tribe doesn’t only make us lonely, it’s also historically dangerous. Without even knowing why, this can make us abandon our own ideas to align with someone else’s. As long as we’re in a “follower” position, we know (or at least think we know) that we won’t be alone. To stand out from the group is to risk expulsion.
I’ll take this a step further and say that feeling separate from others can even remind us of our eventual separation from life through death. Stay in your “role” and don’t draw attention to yourself? Safety. Speaking out with all eyes on you? Risk.
Of course, the thing about us humans is that we also have a deep desire to be seen and heard in our authenticity. To make our unique mark on the world. The interplay between our desire to be safe and our desire to be heard? That can create some real-deal anxiety.
SOCIOLOGICAL - How Hierarchy and Culture Shape Our Anxiety
Why is public speaking so scary? Because we’ve internalized a hierarchical social system.
I doubt it's news to anyone that the voices western culture has typically upheld have been white, male, straight, cis, non-disabled, wealthy, etc. If you don’t fit into this narrow mold, you’ve grown up in a culture that has actively tried to silence you. When you get up to speak, you may be aware (consciously or unconsciously) that you will automatically be less respected than folks in the white, male, etc. category. It’s likely you will have internalized this lack of respect as self-doubt, one of the scariest tools of the patriarchy. So feeling afraid makes absolute worlds of sense.
(This also means that when you DO choose to share your voice anyway, you provide healing for the world and inspire others. But that’s another blog post, coming soon.)
Don’t go anywhere, white straight men! This hierarchy hurts you too. Anytime there’s a hierarchy, there’s the possibility of falling off of it. There’s a good chance you were raised not to show vulnerability - to remain ‘’strong” and “in control.” So if your hands or voice are shaking, it can feel like you’re falling off the impossible pedestal you’ve been placed on.
INDIVIDUAL - Early Embarrassment and Why the Body Keeps Score
Why is public speaking so scary? Because most of us have experienced humiliation.
I’ve heard so many stories from clients about freezing in class presentations, forgetting lines in school plays, etc. Early experiences shape our understanding of the world and, (as Bessel van der Kolk has said) “the body keeps the score.” Even if we know intellectually that we’re safe, our bodies may remember the sinking feeling of shame. They try to protect us by moving into fight, flight, or freeze. The more unprocessed experiences we have like this, the more fear and constriction become part of our “programming” in speaking scenarios.
PRACTICAL - Most People Don’t Know How to Practice
Why is Public Speaking so scary? Because you don’t know how to prepare.
Most people don’t! Some of us stay up until 3am creating slides, then rely on caffeine and adrenaline to get through the delivery. Some of us practice every day for 6 weeks and memorize a script word-for-word. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either of these methods - but what does matter is finding what works for you.
What if practicing was a gift you could give to your future self? How can you take care of the “you” that’s standing in front of people with all eyes on them?
I like to encourage clients to see speaking more like a sport than an intellectual exercise. It is a physical act involving your body, breath, and voice. We can train our bodies to be in optimum condition so that when the unexpected happens (just like when the ball gets passed to us), we’re ready. You couldn’t start training for the big game at 3am the night before - and the same is true of speaking.
It’s easy to jump straight to “how do I FIX my nerves?” but I think, as Simon Sinek would say, we should “start with why” (also, spoiler alert, nothing about you needs to be fixed and your nerves can actually help - coming soon!). When we have a sense of the multifaceted reasons that we might feel afraid, it can help us give ourselves the credit we deserve. Speaking IS scary and there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling that way.
FAQS
Ok, so which one of these applies to me?
Well, likely, all in some way. I think we each have our own “anxiety recipe.” You might have different triggers at different times in your life. And there are certainly other reasons for Public Speaking Anxiety, in addition to the ones I’ve listed.
But what can I do to help?
You can book a call with me! In the meantime, see how much compassion you can offer yourself when you feel fear around Public Speaking. You could try a mantra like “this is allowed” or “this is not my fault.” It’s amazing how quickly changes can happen once we stop using our energy towards judging and punishing ourselves.
With all these reasons to feel afraid, will I ever stop having speaking anxiety?
I imagine you’ll always feel some adrenaline around speaking. But that doesn’t mean you’ll have to go through terror or pervasive dread. Adrenaline can actually help us if we know how to use it. It’s not about fixing the fear, it’s about learning to get curious and playful with it.
Let’s Be Brave Together!
I am NOT immune to the fear of being seen. But I am fascinated by it, and I love to “walk through the scary places” with my clients. Book a free consultation and we’ll navigate it together - and share some laughs along the way. Who knows what you might learn about yourself and your courage?
