How to Stop Nerves and Smash Them to Smithereens
If only we could stop nerves, murder anxiety, detonate sadness, and slay ambivalence… but alas. We humans are designed to feel - here’s how (and why) to embrace your nerves as a secret superpower.
Why Trying to Stop Nerves can Backfire
Don’t think about a pink elephant!
You just did, right? This is an oldie but a goodie - it comes from Ironic Process Theory, which states that when we try not to think a certain thought or feel a certain emotion, it paradoxically increases in intensity.
Attempting to stop feelings of nervousness often means we cut off from the sensations in our body. We don’t want to feel the butterflies in our stomach, so we tighten against them. The thing is, though, connecting to sensations in the moment is what allows us to be present. By suppressing our emotions, we disconnect from the “good stuff” too - our breathing, presence, and natural intuition.
Harvard Business School Professor Alison Wood Brooks designed an experiment to see if trying to stop nerves was actually helpful. She told a group of people who were about to give a speech to calm their nerves by saying to themselves, “I am calm.” She told others to embrace the anxiety and say to themselves, “I am excited.”
Both groups remained nervous - but the ones who had repeated “I am excited” felt more confident in their ability to give a good talk anyway. The audience also rated them higher on qualities like “persuasiveness” and "confidence".
Often I say to clients “it’s not nerves that get in our way - it’s the fear of nerves that gets in our way.
How to Welcome Them
How do we encourage ourselves to open to these uncomfortable sensations?
We can frame our nerves more positively, as excitement. Nervousness and excitement are physiologically almost identical. Labeling our nerves as positive can help us use our elevated heart rate as a way to stay energized and engaged. If you’ve ever watched a scary movie/gone on a roller coaster/stolen a cookie from a cookie jar, you know that there can be a sense of delight along with risk and fear. What if we saw public speaking the same way?
We can give ourselves gentle “exposure therapy.”. We can notice moments when we feel just slightly nervous…. And instead of trying to stop nerves, we can lean in and get curious. How do you know you’re nervous? What do you feel in your body? Can you imagine “bathing” in those sensations? Little by little, we increase our “nerve tolerance” so that on the big day, we feel like we’re just hanging out with an old friend.
We can breathe with the nerves. When we try to stop nerves - or avoid any emotion - we tend to take small shallow breaths. You can test this out now - try not to cry. Feel that tightness - maybe in your throat or your belly? It restricts your breathing. And while it might help us not to “feel” it also makes it harder to think clearly, harder to support our voices… the list goes on.
I’ve heard our low belly/pelvic region referred to as “The Swamp,” which I love. Let your breathing travel all the way down there, to your messy aliveness. It’s where your power lives and where your words have the deepest meaning - what a gift to your audience.
FAQs
What if feeling my nerves is too overwhelming?
If we’re used to trying to stop nerves, we need to expose ourselves to them slowly and gently. If you’ve experienced trauma and/or feel deeply unsafe when you allow nervous sensations, this may not be the right method for you to start with. Maybe it works better to find presence through placing your attention outside of yourself. What colours do you see in the room? What smells? Allowing nerves is just one of the methods that can help, and it’s ALWAYS about finding what’s right for you.
What if people can tell that I’m nervous?
What if? For one thing, we tend to think our nerves are way more obvious than they actually are (especially if we’re trying desperately to get rid of them). For another, allowing the nerves will most likely make it less obvious to the outside world how you’re feeling. If you’re breathing, your voice will be supported and less shaky - and you will absolutely read as more confident. And finally - being nervous is a natural reaction to something you care about.
You can book a call with me! In the meantime, see how much compassion you can offer yourself when you feel fear around Public Speaking. You could try a mantra like “this is allowed” or “this is not my fault.” It’s amazing how quickly changes can happen once we stop using our energy towards judging and punishing ourselves.
I tried this, and my nerves didn’t stop!
Ah yes. Sometimes when we “accept” how we’re feeling there’s an underlying desire that this will make those feelings disappear. It will help you breathe through them and function with them - but it won’t make them go away. You’ll still be nervous. Just like most Olympic Gold Medal Winners and Oscar Winning Actors.
Could this work for you?
Let’s find out! Book a call (or join my waitlist) and we’ll play with this among other tools. Many roads lead to feeling more human in front of a crowd.
